Judge Not my Child
Summer
1987, Samantha Tusker knew she was at least two months pregnant. She had missed two menstrual cycles and the morning sickness confirmed her
biggest fear. Just one month away from her annual physical and there was no way
the physician on base was going to miss the obvious. She was already starting
to show and the extra pounds weren’t helping any. She was entering her fourth
year in the navy and had planned to make a career out of the military. She had
talked to her lover about her options, but that didn’t go well when he refused
to take responsibility and risk his own career. When her commanding officer
calls her in one afternoon, she refuse to reveal who the father was and earned
her, a medical discharge. She returned to her home town and took a job working
for the phone company. Her expertise in Naval communication made her an ideal
candidate, and that became her life. She never got married and dedicated her
life to raising her only child. Her
parents wanted nothing to do with her bastard child, as her father stated the
day she returned home. It was two years before her father allowed her mother to
visit their grandchild and another year before he met the child himself and
mended his relationship with his daughter.
Winter
2011, Mary knew she couldn't tell her parents, they would be mad or worst they
would disown her. She also couldn't tell Andy, he would want her to get an
abortion, his scholarship to UCLA was more important than becoming a father at
such a young age. For the last few weeks he had been giving her the cold
shoulder, always an excuse why he wouldn't see her. She had told him after
their first time together, that she didn't want to keep giving herself to him
unless they were married. Andy had said that he wasn't ready or even planning
to get married until long after he finished college. He had already started
hanging around with a new girl and ignoring Mary. Andy was a tall and handsome young man, starting
quarterback and smart. Scouts were lining up to recruit him to their college
programs. He came from a well to do family and was expected by both his parents
to complete college with a law degree and return home to work for their firm. Mary
on the other hand was from a hard working, Christian, middle class family and
without a scholarship she was most likely going to marry, be a wife and a stay
at home mom. She now realized that Andy had taken advantage of her and of her
innocents.
Mary laid in her bed one night
and began to cry and feel sorry for herself. She asked herself over and over
again what was she going to do and couldn't come up with an answer that brought
her comfort. She tries praying but felt that after the sin she had committed,
that God no longer cared enough to answer her. With four months still left to
graduation she had no idea how she would hide the inevitable. She thought if
she could get through the school year and graduate without anyone knowing her
situation, she would just go away, have her baby and raise her child on her
own. She had told Andy that an abortion was not an option for her; he was
willing to pay for one and be done with the whole mess as he called it. After
only six weeks since conceiving, Mary was already in love with her child and
wouldn't even consider Andy's option. “Go and just forget about us, but don't
ever come back to see us or try to be a part of this child's life, because I
will deny you any rights” were her last words to him. She laid there staring at
the ceiling with tears rolling down her cheeks and soaking her pillow. She
wished her parents were more understanding and easier to communicate with, but
that was never the case, especially with her father.
Douglas was a big man and
at times intimidating, at six foot three inches and two hundred and forty
pounds, to little Mary he was a giant. He had been a drill sergeant in the army
and ran his home in the same manner. Her mother Rachel was small like her and
never questioned her husband or any decisions he made, if he said jump she
asked how high. She knew that if her father put her out, there would be nothing
her mother would be able to do. Mary and Rachel always had a great relationship,
but this was one time she could not go to her mother for advice. Her father was
by all accounts a Christian, but as Mary got older and wiser she also knew that
he was very judgmental. Douglas thought that people should be perfect, just
like he saw himself and always judged those who for one reason or another,
stumbled. His thoughts were that people need to have self control and never
ever give into temptation. He called people who made mistakes, weaklings and if
they were Christians, he would call them lame. Her father didn’t have many
friends, because people could never live up to his overly high standards. Mary
never recalls a time when anyone ever stood up to her dad and if he was the one
who made a mistake, God forbid that anyone point it out to him. Her mother was
the total opposite, thoughtful of others, soft spoken, meek, humble, kind and
always saw the good in others. Her mother was a praying person and did so for
those who had strayed or thought they had fallen from grace. She was respectful
to a fault and never went against her husband’s wishes or his authority. Mary
had no doubt that if she confined in her mother, she would not dare keep such a
thing from her husband. Rachel didn’t know how to keep secrets from her husband
and it was born out of fear, the fear that he would get angry. Her husband had
never physically hurt her, but he knew how to do enough damage with his stature
and words. Mary found herself alone with nowhere to turn, but to Mary herself
and that’s what she was going to do.
With
just three weeks until graduation, Mary was happy not to be showing any signs of
her pregnancy. For three and a half months she had manage to keep it a secret
even from her best friend, she trusted no one to keep the secret with her. The
only other person that knew was Andy and she knew that he would not tell a soul
for fear of having to own up to his responsibility. No one in her youth group
had suspected that out of all the teens, she be the one in this predicament.
All she had to do is get passed the next month and she would be home free. She had
been saving money for over two years to buy a car after graduation, but her plan
was now to use that money to move out on her own. She would wait until then to
apply for public assistance to help pay for the birth of her child. She knew
that raising a child as a single parent was not an easy task, but she also knew
that she had no other choice.
Carl
was a member of the youth group Mary attended and also in the same graduating
class. Other than an occasional hello, the two never spoke to one another. He
was a tall good looking young man but also very shy. He hung out mostly with
the school’s nerdy group, not that he was socially awkward, he was as bright
and as computer savvy as any of them, also felt comfortable around them. He was also their protector and less people
picked on them when he was around. He
liked Mary and for two years couldn’t get up the nerve to talk to her, let
alone ask her on a date. After the youth service on the Friday before
graduation, a few out of the group were going to a Denny’s for a bite and Carl
was invited. At first he declined but when he saw that Mary was part of the
group, he quickly accepted. There were nine of them all together, so when they
arrived two tables were pulled side by side and only by chance, Carl sat across
from Mary. For the first time the two stuck up a conversation and found out
they had a lot in common and also found each other easy to talk with. At the
end of the evening they exchange phone number and vow to stay in touch.
Once
at home and in her room Mary was at her usual, crying and feeling sorry for
herself and about her loneliness. She really had no one to talk to and share
her burden and stress. “Carl was too sweet” the thought shocked her and where
had that come from, she asked herself. She had seen him around for the last few
years and found him to be a good looking guy but had never thought about him at
all. Tonight all her sadness was that she wish she had met him before giving
herself to someone like Andy. Carl was a Christian and he was the kind of
person her parent had always wanted for her. She had gone out with Andy for the
popularity and look where that landed her, "nowhere but lonely land." The thought
made her laugh through her tears at her own joke, before closing her eyes and
falling asleep.
Carl
was up half the night and tried keeping himself busy on the computer playing
video game or reading his gaming magazines. Nothing he did took away his
thought of Mary’s beautiful face, she was his every thought and around three in
the morning, he finally fell asleep with a plan. At ten in the morning he woke
up took a bath, dressed and picked up the phone and dialed. “Hello” came the
voice he longed to hear, but he lost his thoughts for a minute and again she
said, “Hello who is this?” He snapped out of his trance and replied, “Carl, I
think” and realized he had said something stupid. “You think your name is Carl”
she replied and they both laughed. “No, it is” he said feeling a little awkward,
and then continued before he would lose his last nerve. “I’m just calling to
see if would like to grab some breakfast and maybe go to the mall?”She sat at
her end with a smile on her face for the first time in days. “Did you say the
mall?” She replied with a question, “I didn’t know guys like to go to the mall.”
She said more like in a statement then a question. “Well we don’t, in fact I
kind of hate the mall and the crowd, but I thought maybe you would say yes
because girls love the mall.” He laughed at the statement he had made and she
joined in and then said, “I would love to go with you.” He let go of the breath
he’d been holding in before he could comment. “I’ll pick you up in an hour” he replied and
said good bye before she would change her mind. Carl arrived an hour later in his mother’s Honda SUV and they
made small talk on their ten minute ride
to the mall. They parked, walked inside and headed to the food court. They each
settled for a slice of pizza and sat at a table to eat and talked for the next
half an hour. The following hour they walked through the mall talking and
laughing, but out of nowhere, Mary became silent. Carl asked her if he had said
something wrong when he saw that her countenance had turned sad. “No” she
replied “it’s just me; I have a lot on my mind and problems that only I can
solve on my own.” He turns to face her with a bit of concern on his face. “Anything I can help you with?” He asked. “I
wish, but no there is nothing anyone can do to help” she said and he noticed
that she was ready to cry. “I don’t understand, what can be so bad that you
wouldn’t ask for help, if it’s troubling you that much.” He faced forward once
again and to continue to walk as Mary began to speak. “Sorry Carl, you’re a nice guy, I really mean
that, but I can’t talk about it, can you please take me home, I’m not feeling too
good at the moment.” With a little disappointment he replied, “sure no problem.”
On the way to Mary’s house she didn’t say a single word except “good bye” when
he dropped her off in front of her house where she quickly ran inside. A few
hours later her phone rang and she saw that it was Carl and at first she
thought about not answering but decided she might as well get it over with. “Hello
Carl” she said when she answered the phone. “Hello Mary, I just wanted to check
on you and make sure that you were okay” he replied and waited for her
response. “I’m fine, and I was meaning to call you and apologize for the way I
acted, but also there is something that I wanted to say to you” she said but
didn’t know how to continue. Carl waited but when she didn’t speak up, he asked
and wished he had kept quiet. “What do you want to talk about?” he fell silent
and waited for Mary to continue. “Listen
Carl, I meant it when I said that you’re a really nice guy and under other
circumstances things might have been different between us, maybe something more
than just friends.” Carl was about to speak but she interrupted and asked him
to hear her out and he went silent and just listened. She continued and Carl
could tell that she was struggling with the words. “I’m leaving town next
Saturday after graduation and I don’t think that I’ll be returning. I don’t
want to mislead you into thinking that we could be more than just friends and
wind up hurting your feeling because you deserve someone better than me.” Thinking
he would make her feel at ease he said, “I just wanted to be a friend, I wasn’t
asking for your hand in marriage, at least not yet or till we know each other
better” he said with lots of humor in his voice hoping to cheer her up. She
laughed along with him, and in her heart she wished she had become friends with
him a long time before the mess she found herself in. “I have to go” was the
last thing she said before the line went dead in his ear.
Andy
sat in his room the night before his graduation and contemplated telling his
parents about the issue with Mary. He figured that it was wiser to speak up now,
then if they found out after he was off to college. What their reaction would
be he had no idea, but finding out through another source later would be a lot
worse for him. His parents were devote Catholics and babies out of wedlock was
a sin they frown upon. He knew they were in the family room watching TV and
having their double scotch on the rocks, like getting hammered daily wasn’t a
sin, he thought to himself. He walked down the stairs and into the room where
they sat and took a seat across from them. “I need to talk to both of you” he
said and waited for their attention. His father turned off the volume and they
both looked his way and waited for him to proceed. “I think I may have a little
problem and I have no idea how to make it go away.” Both parents being
attorneys asked simultaneously, “and what is this problem?” Andy sat there for
a minute and neither parent said a word and waited for his answer. “Mary is
pregnant and I’m the one responsible” he replied a bit nervous and afraid of
their reaction. “How could you do this at this stage of your life?” his mother
yelled as she got up and stood in front of him. “It was an accident” he
replied. “Is that what you call it, an accident; an accident was when you
crashed my Lexus while texting and driving. This was not an accident; this was
your stupidity and carelessness. You’re trying to be a grown man, long before
you’re able to be responsible for your actions” his father was hollering off
the top of his lungs. This wasn’t going as well as Andy had thought it would
go. He knew his parents were going to be upset but this was far worst then he
had imagined. His father went on getting louder with each word, “for tonight we
will let this matter rest, but after the graduation tomorrow, we are going down
to her house and settle this. We will make sure that they understand that we
want no part of this child. If she chooses to have this child she is not to
expect a dime from this family.
Friday Mary woke up took a shower and
stood in front of the mirror before getting dress and stared at her stomach.
She was starting to show more every day and soon there would be no hiding what
nature was doing. She dressed and then put on her graduation gown and was glad
that it was loose enough to hide the small bulged. She walked out of her room
and entered the kitchen where her parents where having their coffee. Her mother
was the first to speak, “good morning and you look lovely.” Her father smiles
and said “Yes honey you look beautiful, your mother and I are so proud of you.”
At the same time getting up off his chair and giving her a hug along with a
kiss. “Thanks daddy” she replied and at the same time thinking, “if you only
knew you wouldn’t be so proud.” The three of them left and headed to the school
auditorium making only small talk in the car while her father drove. The
ceremony lasted about two hours and by one in the afternoon all the students
were outside on the lawn taking pictures and saying their farewells. Her
parents invited a few of her friends over for some finger food and to cut a
cake. Carl had walked over during the invites and her parents also extended him
the same invitation. He looked at Mary and when she didn’t object he accepted
and said he would come over after going home and changing.
At Mary’s house things went as her
mother had planned and by four in the afternoon all but her best friend and
Carl remained. They were all sitting in the living room when the door bell
rang. Her father got off the couch and excused himself to answer the door. The
only words that echoed into the living room, after her father was gone for
about two minute was, “she’s what?” The question was spoken with such anger
that for some strange reason, Mary knew that her father had just learned her
dirty little secret. Her father along with Andy and his parents entered the
living room and she just wanted to die or at best to crawl under a rock and let
it crush her flat. Her father was so angry that he spoke before excusing their
guest. “Is it true that you are pregnant with this boy’s child?” Everyone just
stared at her waiting for her answer but it wouldn’t be the simple yes or no
they were expecting. Mary began to cry from the shame and humiliation she felt
but in an instant she stood up, wiped the tears with the back of her hand and
faced her father and said, “yes I am, and you are correct in calling him a boy,
because a real man would have stood by the girl he got pregnant. He would have
owned up to his responsibility, and to set the record straight counselors, I
already told your son that I don’t want a thing from him. And so that everyone
here knows what my plans are, I planned to leave here tomorrow and have my baby
and raise him or her on my own. There will be no abortion and no one but I, will
have rights to this child.” Her father was still fuming and said, “I thought
you were better than this, you have caused your mother and I shame in this
house today, are you not ashamed of yourself?” with tears now rolling down her
face she replied looking straight in her father’s eyes. “Yes I am, I’m ashamed that you wouldn’t love
me enough to over look this one mistake and I’m ashamed that I was naive enough
to have let a worthless jock, talk me into bed with him, and I’m glad it was only
once even though the results are the same. She looked around the room at
everyone present and without another word she left the room, walked to her
bedroom and closed the door. Andy's parent made it clear before they left that they
wanted no part of supporting the baby and the only thing they were willing to
do was pay for an abortion at their son’s request. Mary’s father did his best
to act civilize and as polite as possible he threw Andy and his parents out of
his home. After they left and her parents calmed down her mother knocked on her
door and walked in. With more love and compassion then she expected and thought
she deserved, her mother sat on her bed, wrapped her arms around her and
together they cried. “I don’t want you to leave” her mother finally said. “Daddy
hates me for what I have done and I have shamed him, he will never ever talk to
me again, so the best thing for everyone is that I leave.” Her mother pulled
her closer and said, “He will come around and get over his anger and the shame,
if there is anything to be ashamed of. God forgives all our shortcomings
because he loves us and a parent is no different” her mother said behind the
tears. They sat there for over an hour without a word said between the two and
her mother left the room, when she had cried herself to sleep.
It had been a week since graduation,
the happiest and also the most humiliating day of her life. Mary had not left
her room since she walked into it that day; her father had not stopped in once
or spoken a single word to her. Her mother would ask her to come out but she
refused, so three to four times a day she brought her food and a snack to keep
up her strength. She had not answered a single phone call, not from her best
friend and certainly not from Carl who had called everyday around six in the
evening. He had only left a voice massage one time in the past week wanting to
talk was all he said. She would stare at the phone wanting so badly to talk to
him but shame would get the better of her and she would just let it ring till
it stopped.
After a week she started to get cabin
fever and decided she would get out and go shopping for things she would need
for her baby. She got dress and walked out her room not wanting to run into her
parents, she hurried to the front door. Passing the living room she saw her
father sitting and watching a baseball game but thought better of saying
anything and continued towards the front door. Before reaching it the doorbell
rung and she froze where she stood. Her mother had come up behind her and
tapping her on the shoulder, asked if she was okay. Her mother opens the
door and Mary saw two young men standing outside. The one to the left she recognized,
the one on the right she had never seen before, but he was the splitting image
of her father, only twenty or so years younger. She thought that this had to be her
father’s younger brother, an uncle she had never met. The young look alike
said, “Is this the home of a Douglas Mann?” Her and her mother just stared
before her mother called her husband to the door. Her father stepped up to see
who was it that was disturbing his game and he too froze when he saw a younger version
of himself standing and staring back. “Douglas Mann, my name is Philip Tusker
and I believed you and my mother Samantha dated in the army back in 1987. I’m
her son and I’m looking for my bi-logical father.” Everyone was silent for a
minute and then her mother looked away from the young man and at her husband
and said, “Douglas Mann” and softly he replied like he was still catching his
breath and picking up his jaw off the floor. “Yes dear?” He asked knowing she
was about to say something profound. She replied immediately, “I believe you
owe your daughter a big apology.” Her father turn to her with the only tears
she had ever seen on the biggest man she knew and he just snatched her off her
feet and wouldn’t let go. Finally when he put her down she turned her attention
to the other young man who everyone had ignored. Not wanting to look him in the
eye out of the shame she still felt, she looked at the ground and said, “Hi
Carl, you seem to be here every time we have a family shocker going on.” Carl
reached out his hand, picked up her chin, looked her in the eye first then
said, “why ended there” then he turned and looked at her father and said, “May
I have your blessing, to marry the most beautiful girl in the world.”
Written by Tbone / atw Jah
8 But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
Romans 5:8
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